Eat your heart out Donald Trump, you'll never be king

By Hal Brown

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If you do a Google Image search for Trump as king or emperor you'll find numerous photoshopped images, some better than others (though the DonkeyHotey drawing in the upper left below is one of the most republished). Click to enlarge.

Donald Trump is an inveterate television watcher so I assume today he'd be hard pressed to avoid all the coverage of the ceremonies making Charles the King. 

In addition to the very British pomp and circumstance he'll see interviews with normal, let me underline normal, people who love him instead of people who are pathologically unhinged and who would never ever be allowed as guests into any of the castles where he currently rules supreme.

Being King of Mar-a-Lago is hardly enough for the man who has redefined the definition of grandiose narcissism to an extreme that if he wasn't flesh, lots of flesh, and blood, clogged with cholesterol as it probably is, he'd be a cartoon character like Gaston in Beauty and the Beast. 

He is only called President Trump as an honorific title probably by people interviewing him on right-wing media, or by those delusional people who think he's still president. 

In fact, my cursory research shows (Emily Post for example) that according to proper form he shouldn't even be called Mr. President. The correct form of address for a former president is to use the title of the highest post that he held before becoming president. unless they have a new position with another title.  

Whether Melania cares about what she is called in impossible to determine but she can never become a real Queen Consort as Camila will be. She was the Duchess of Cornwall so perhaps Melania can make herself the Duchess of Mar-a-Lago or something equally ridiculous. That is unless she buys into Donald wanting to be king and then I suppose she can insist she's referred to as Queen Consort Melania.

Detail from a painting showing
 Henry VIII on his 1520 expedition
 to France. Photograph:
 Royal Collection Trust

Back to Trump the wanna-be king: we can liken him to King Henry VIII. Let's compared the two...

While Trump never had his wives killed he did divorce two of them and cheated on his first wife, Ivana, with Marla Maples who became his second wife. 

He also isn't as fat at Henry XIII was, and he rides a golf cart rather than a horse. 

Consider this from the Grunge website:

No one remembers Henry VIII fondly. He murdered two of his six wives, divorced two more, lost one in childbirth, and died before he could murder the last one. When you ask pretty much anyone what Henry VIII was all about, they'll mostly just repeat some version of the above, because when you're a wife-killing, smelly egomaniac with zero redeeming qualities, it doesn't really matter what else you did in your life. People are going to remember you for being a wife-killing, smelly egomaniac with zero redeeming qualities. 

But Henry VIII was so much more than just those things. He was also greedy, paranoid, a hypocrite, a homophobe, a perpetual loser of wars, and gross. He was very, very gross. Did he have any actual, redeeming qualities? Not that we know of. If he did, they were overshadowed by all of the very bad things he did during his long, awful reign. What bad things? These bad things. Here's the horrible, messed up truth of Henry VIII.

Sound like Trump? There's more:

According to History, the court of Henry VIII was one of history's most opulent. Evidently, no one taught Henry the value of money when he was a child, because just one year after inheriting the throne at the age of 18, he blew most of the kingdom's annual revenue on Christmas parties. Yes, everyone loves an epic party, and plenty of modern people go into debt so that they can buy nice things for everyone on their holiday list, but imagine spending £13.5 million ($18 million) in a single year. Henry's holiday expenses included food, entertainment, and gifts.

That kind of excess continued throughout all of Henry's reign. In fact, he was so into parties that he expanded the kitchens of Hampton Court Palace so they filled 55 rooms. Banquets frequently served up to 14 courses to 600 people and included dishes like grilled beaver tails, whole roasted peacock, and boar's head. So you could say Henry ate his kingdom's fortune, and that would actually be close to accurate.

I wonder if the God-king's swooning sycophants think it should be their deity being officially made King of England today. More to the point, I wonder what King Tut of Trump Tower is thinking today.

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